Thank You Maran

- for the welcome distraction.

As with all history students, I also happen to have three main desires, to a large extent. I am tempted to write this in Siddharthaesque triadic structure, but will resist.

First, it may seem quite rich for someone with such terrible handwriting, but I would like a nice pen. Unfortunately, I would also have to be quite rich to buy one. This is because when I say “Nice”, I actually mean More-Expensive-Than-Polio-Vaccines-For-Three-Hundred-African-Villages. This contributes to its aesthetic beauty. On account of this, I shall not be picky. You may either get me this Dickens Pen, which is very nicely painted, this T-Rex pen, with a very interesting design, or this Herman Melville pen, which has delicious scrimshaw. Unless you’re the Arbiter; I will marry you if you buy me all three. If you happen to be the Arbiter, two will suffice.

Second, I would like my own island. At first glance, this may seem unreasonable. It is not – I don’t even expect a full size landing strip. With an island, many things are possible. Covert atomic testing, for example. Moreover, it would also open the door to a multitude of terrible island jokes, such as inviting your friends to take a look at your island. Besides, at only seven million USD, who could possibly resist?

Lastly, I would like to own thirty slaves. That’s right – only thirty, not thirty thousand, there’s no typo there. I am rather realistic with my expectations. What will I do with thirty slaves? Well, actually, I only have about fifteen to work with; half of these slaves will spend most of their time peeling grapes for me. The other half will engage in close study of James Joyce, perfecting a weapon of superconcentrated boredom that I will then sell to Iran, financing my other two material desires.

That’s it, I shan’t inflict this on anyone else.